I realise the Twilight saga is very popular, but I had never really felt drawn to reading it. Partly because my time dedicated to reading had been reduced by college, revision, then the website etc, and what time I did have I was caught up in the very addictive Mark Chadbourn novels. However, some weeks ago now it was announced that Michael Sheen would be appearing as a vampire named Aro in the film of the second book in the series, New Moon.

This has prompted me to give the books a go, and I have come to the following conclusions.

I was correct in my first assumption, and that I am not the target demographic. The story is set in a high school and the main characters are around 17, or at least appear that age.

This is probably the main reason I have a problem with the book. The female lead Bella is 17, okay, thats fine, but the male lead Edward, looks 17 but is apparently about 90 years old. I then ask the question – what the fuck is he doing in highschool?

The book tells us he is from a family of vampires that do not drink human blood, and wish to live amongst humans. Maybe this is part of the pretence but it seems a bit much when they could simply say that he is homeschooled.

Also, why would someone who has walked this earth for so long be attracted to a 17 year old, let alone fall in love with one. I know that kids grow up faster these days but its all a bit peadophilic really. Let’s face it – all of us at 17 thought we were grown up and knew all there was to know, and then we faced the world and realised that we knew fuck all. These two would have absolutely nothing in common.

Add to this that Bella seems to have fallen in love with Edward, simply because of his etherial beauty. He is quite obnoxious with her for quite a while, yet she still finds her self falling for his, pretty none existent, charms.

The reason for his behaviour and rudeness to her is explained by him being so drawn to feed off her, that he finds it almost unbearable to be around her – and this is her fault why exactly? If someone behaved and spoke to me the way Edward treats Bella initially, I would slap him upside the head and tell him to get lost – whatever he looked like.

Have some self respect girl!

The final annoyance is that their love for each other is demonstrated with lots of sighs and longing glances through eyelashes. There is the odd caress of the cheek, or brush of lips and although these two ‘teenagers’ are mad about each other, they show great restraint.

I feel that in this, the book is appealing to its demographic’s false ideal of what exactly is love. Love is not really like this – certainly not between two horny teenagers who would be at it like jack rabbits lets face it. Even romantic love needs more than just a few glances from an Adonis across a cafeteria.

I don’t even want to start telling you how disturbed I am over the claustrophobic, obsessive and suffocating relationship they seem to have. For any two people to be so wrapped up in each other, almost to the exclusion of everyone else, it is far from healthy.

I can fully understand now why Twilight is often referred to as the scariest fandom on the planet – it undoubtedly consists of hoards of horny lonely teenage girls all over the world, sighing and dreaming that one day they will meet their own Edward.

Sorry girls – it is just a fantasy. I suggest instead, you stop mooning over this impossibly unrealistically fantasy and go out an meet some real boys/men. They are intrinsically flawed creatures I will grant you, and will fall very short from the ideals that you have been led to expect from reading pulp like this – but then neither are we women perfect.

I actually think that the book is reasonably well written, but just think that the content is pretty formulaic. I think that if the mythology of the vampires and werewolves were a little more original, then this might have been a more interesting read.

I will however, continue on to the second book. Only because this is when Michael Sheen’s character Aro, makes his first appearance.

Michael – if only you knew what I put myself through for you.